I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.