Funny Quotes

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
Milton Berle

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Claude Pepper

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Robin Williams

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Will Rogers

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly