People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.